It Ain't Surgery

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's house. After a 2-minute job, he demanded $75.
"I don't charge this amount even though I'm a surgeon."
"You're right -- that's why I switched from surgery to plumbing!"

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

Contraceptives

Microsoft's Latest Venture

    News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

    It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

    The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

    While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

    OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

    At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

    DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

    CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.

    Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

Beautiful?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!